Buena Vista Pictures; Lee Daniels Entertainment; Fox Searchlight; Summit Entertainment; Warner Bros. Entertainment For some, Oscar is a straight shot to glory:
Anna Paquin won one as a little girl, and has made generally good career choices since. Others, like
Martin Scorsese, spend years making great movies, to the point where an Academy Award cannot be denied.
But for more than a few of
this year's nominees, there were times when they seemed en route to the Razzies rather than the big show.
So as many of this year's honorees prepare to walk the carpet at the Kodak, let's take a moment to remember the films they'd rather have you forget:
1. Shadowboxer, directed by
Lee Daniels (nominated for Best Director,
Precious).
Hot off the success of
Monster's Ball,
producer Daniels turned to directing with a far more poorly judged interracial-sex movie.
Helen Mirren plays an alcoholic hitwoman who adopted
Cuba Gooding Jr. and raised him to be a hitman. She has cancer. They have sex. Then they're sent to kill a pregnant
Vanessa Ferlito, but relent and become her bodyguards instead.
In tangentially related storylines,
Joseph Gordon-Levitt makes out with
Mo'Nique (who plays a character named, of all things, Precious), and
Stephen Dorff does a full-frontal nude scene.
Daniels shouldn't have been allowed anywhere near a camera again after this travesty of a tale, but fortunately for him, he didn't listen to the naysayers.
2. Batman and Robin, starring
George Clooney (nominated for Best Actor,
Up in the Air).
The most obvious pick on our list. Truth be told, it doesn't suck in quite the same way as
Shadowboxer. It's at least entertaining, though probably not in ways that were intentional. The wannabe poignant scene where Bruce Wayne (Clooney) kisses Alfred and tells him he loves him is hilarious.
In an ill-conceived attempt to make Batman more kid-friendly and sell more toys, Warner Bros. and director
Joel Schumacher laid on the homoerotic rubber nipples and ear-achingly bad puns, amped up the camp, then threw a ton of money at the screen hoping nobody would notice.
Schumacher and screenwriter
Akiva Goldsman have taken most of the blame over the years, but Clooney deserves his share, coasting on that nodding-and-looking-down shtick he used to do before
Steven Soderbergh made him stop.
3. Twilight, costarring
Anna Kendrick (nominated for Best Supporting Actress,
Up in the Air).
Just as comic book fans are willing to admit, despite enjoying them, that some Batman movies simply aren't good, so too do
Twi-hards need to admit that however cute
K.Stew and
R.Pattz may be, theirs is a terrible, terrible movie.
We can't blame Kendrick for signing on to take the paycheck and the massive fan base, but we can point out that her entire character arc consists of choosing a prom dress that shows cleavage, then changing her mind and picking a more modest one. You did know that the whole story's a Mormon abstinence parable, right?
4. Gun Shy, starring and produced by
Sandra Bullock (nominated for Best Actress,
The Blind Side).
Liam Neeson plays an undercover DEA agent with diarrhea. Sandra Bullock falls for him anyway. That is all you need to know.
5. [A four-way tie]
Hair Show,
3 Strikes,
Soul Plane and
Phat Girlz, all starring
Mo'Nique (nominated for Best Supporting Actress,
Precious).
If critics groups gave out the opposite of a lifetime achievement award, it would have to go to Mo'Nique. Over the years, those of us who write about movies have been forced to actually pay to suffer through her idea of "comedy," as most of the aforementioned didn't even screen for press...yet we had to review them anyway.
So yeah, we poor few who saw them knew full well that Mo'Nique could be obnoxious and terrifying. The genius of
Precious is that it finally played to that, rather than trying to persuade us she's appealing or funny—as these movies tried and failed to do. Next up, we suggest she try a slasher film.
_________
Reading our 10 Years of Winners gallery feels a lot like getting your own Oscar.
NATION 2.8.10 
Grow: Nudo Italia Olive Tree Adoption 
Custom Kicks: Shoes of Prey 
Give: Helzberg Diamonds
Sweet Pick: Saint Cupcakes 
Engrave: Stump Ring 
Smell: Esens Personalized Fragrances 
The Scoop On Semen Read up on some stats, records, and disturbing ancient rituals involving man-jam. GO! 
